Standing in front of this old black car, I feel nervous. I need to get out of here, sit behind the wheel and drive. I am standing between two poles surrounded by two cars. One is mine, the other one and its passengers I expect to leave soon. Anytime now. I am waiting. They are laughing but no movement occurs. I feel stuck when I should be moving.
Do you know this feeling when you are aware that you need to take action but you are not only scared of failing, you are also terrified of succeeding? This is what I feel standing between these two poles, trying to build up the courage to get into that car and go. The irony here is that although I strongly believe that it is time for me to drive away, I actually don’t know how to. It is one of these plans that I have made but never came around to actually realize.
Almost twenty-three years old and without a driver’s license.
I never thought it mattered but right now I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
“You can do this Nina!” I naively encourage myself. It is difficult to start the engine because it keeps moving forward, but, slowly, I somehow seem to gain control and manage to go forth. There is no sense of danger as I drive through narrow streets covered in brown autumn leaves.
The floor is covered with trees’ dead ornaments and it seems as if fall’s brown foliage has been laid out just for me to pass on. My driving is unsure, the car doesn’t go in a straight line, but it is alright. I am fine. An ex-coworker randomly passes through. She seems thrilled to see me achieve this miracle. “Are you self-taught?” she asks excitedly… Yes, I am! I am self-taught! I have conquered this issue, freed myself from the chains that were holding me back and here I am cruising away.
I don’t notice it at first but my car has turned into a bicycle. Why? I remember that my coworker didn’t know how to ride a bike… Does that explain the transformation? It doesn’t matter. I keep riding. Cycling my way through the streets. The fallen leaves have turned everything brown. Still, I notice this little squirrel lying on the floor. It seems dead yet I know it lives.
This small animal has given up on life. I won’t let it die. Without stopping I communicate with the suicidal creature and order it not to give up. As if my word is law, as if all of this is magic, as if I am insane and it is all just happening in my head, the squirrel understands. Without arguing, the rodent agrees. That was easy…wasn’t it?
This is all absurd but simultaneously the situation seems to convey some truth to me when the squirrel explains that “Everyone feels suicidal once in awhile, they just need someone to tell them not to die.”
Obviously, this was all a dream.
I woke up feeling like it must have had some kind of meaning.